The Husband Store

As tomorrow, my wife and I mark our 39th year of wedded bliss, I offer this bit of humor that was shared with me by a friend and brother who married before us and is still going strong. 

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is,  however, a catch .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

(I think my wife found me on floor 2 although I admit to have fallen to the basement now and then over the years.)

Management Response

“In response to your inquiry about our problems…

We have not succeeded in solving all our problems. Indeed we feel we have not entirely succeeded in solving any of our problems. The answers we have found have in many ways served to raise a whole new set of questions. In many ways we remain as confused as ever. However, we now feel that we are confused on a higher level and about more important things.”

— Thank you. The Management

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Banner image source: dreamstime.com

Calling Heaven

(A special post in honor of people vacationing over the Independence Day holiday weekend.)

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.  He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc.  He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued with a sign on it, which read, "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.  The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God.  He thanked the pastor and continued on his way. 

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, Detroit and he found more phones with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in northern Michigan.  Upon entering a church in Central Lake, Michigan, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone.  But THIS time, the sign read, "Calls: 25 cents".  Fascinated, he requested to talk to the pastor.

Metal art gift from our daughter - "Thankful for our MICHIGAN roots"

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God.  But, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.  Your sign reads 25 cents a call.  Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in northern Michigan now and it's a local call."

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Notes:

Image source: Michigan Metal Artwork

Gravesite bagpiper - It's a man thing

See notes for image source

You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a Bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a (fill in your age) man thing.

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Thanks to Craig Rasche for sharing this "insight" with me long, long ago.  Over many years, Craig has been a dear friend and brother to me. 

Image by Steve Houghton via Unsplash

Prayer or Schizophrenia?

“Why is it that when we speak to God we are said to be praying, but when God speaks to us we are said to be schizophrenic?”

— Lily Tomlin as quoted by Samual C. Williamson in his book, "Hearing God in Conversation"